School is stressing me out

I am working on a dissertation topic and I am struggling. You see I am not a brilliant student. I am not a great student. I am really pretty average. But because I am a brown, short, fat, Samoan woman, someone said to me, "You know...you really have something to say." Twenty-five years later I am still trying to figure out what I wanted to say. You see, I am in education and have been going to school since forever. I got a bachelor's degree and a master of science degree and I thought....what the blazin' trails...I might as well finish the journey and get a philosophy of doctorate degree since I am more than half way there. But there is one problem. I don't know that I have even said anything or believe that my words really could make a difference.

Here I am nearing end of my PhD journey and I find myself at the crossroad of,"Should I quit or should I not quit." Each time I try to quit I can't. During my journey I have found that I have so much in my heart and so much to say, yet I have a heart of a lion but the voice of a mouse. In so many ways I blamed this on my Samoan culture, of being seen and not heard, as well as on the Generation Boom era of women are seen but have no voice.

Finding my voice is killing me. I want so badly to break out of myself and just when I am ready to speak I stop myself, just like I have stopped myself so many times before. I am so well trained in being politically correct and not rocking the boat, that taking my rightful place in the education profession just hasn't happened. This need to be accepted in the white world has put me in precarious position of not being noticed when deep down inside I know exactly where I stand.

Digging through these multiple layer of awareness has stifled my personal progression and my professional acceptance in the world of academe. But just give me a minute. If there is one thing I am great at, it is enduring to the end and getting the prize.